May 26, 2026|י' סיון ה' אלפים תשפ"ו An Insider's Tips for a Wedding You and Your Guests Will Love
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After many years of attending weddings, I’ve come to appreciate how small changes in behavior and attitude can have an enormous impact on the simcha and success of this auspicious night.
As we find ourselves in wedding season, I wanted to share a few thoughts for consideration:
Shalom Bayis Before There Is a Bayis
When we made our first wedding, someone jokingly warned me: “Planning a wedding is like making a Bar Mitzvah with an opposing team.” Baruch Hashem, that wasn’t our experience.
Still, the reality is that weddings involve countless decisions, endless details, many stakeholders, and often strongly held opinions. Before fighting over any particular issue, ask yourself: Will this matter five days after the wedding? Five months later? Five years later? If it won’t matter after the wedding, it probably isn’t worth fighting over before the wedding. Remember, the goal of the wedding is to be happily married, but the goal of marriage isn’t to have a perfect wedding.
See What Is There, Not What Is Missing
With so many hopes, dreams, and expectations invested in this most special night, it is easy to focus on what didn’t work out. Perhaps the ideal venue wasn’t available, a favorite musician was already booked or guests you were looking forward to celebrating with are unable to be there.
Make a conscious effort to focus on what and who is present rather than what or who is missing. Gratitude and perspective enhance the simcha as much as, if not more than, any vendor or guest.
Give Kavod in Private, Not Just a Kibbud in Public
If inviting rabbanim or roshei yeshiva to your simcha would enhance the occasion, help make participation easy and dignified for them. Sometimes that means making attendance financially feasible. Often, especially for senior rabbanim and roshei yeshiva, it simply means thoughtfully arranging transportation to and from the simcha.
In addition, there is no virtue in keeping kibbudim a mystery. Informing recipients in advance allows them to plan accordingly, whether that means arriving on time for the tisch, sitting near the chuppah, or ensuring they can fulfill the kibbud smoothly and without delay.
Greeting Guests
Make every guest feel like part of the wedding. Kallahs especially should try to greet all guests at the kabalas panim and not focus exclusively on giving elaborate berachos to their friends. A warm smile or brief acknowledgment can mean a great deal.
Smile, It’s Called a Simcha
A wedding is an eis ratzon, an auspicious time for the chosson and kallah to daven for themselves, for their future, for others, and for Klal Yisrael. There are appropriate moments for reflection and tefillah, but when walking down the aisle and standing under the chuppah, it is important to remember that this is among the happiest moments of your life.
Rav Moshe Feinstein instructed his grandchildren that their mitzvah under the chuppah is to be smile and be happy. At its core, a simcha should look and feel like a simcha.
Tircha D’Tzibbura and Minimizing the Time Between the Chuppah and the First Dance
While the wedding night revolves around the chosson and kallah, the guests are essential participants in the simcha. Remember that although this may be a once-in-a-lifetime evening for you, your guests are balancing their participation in your simcha with work, babysitters, long drives, and other obligations.
Have a clear timeline and keep to it vigilantly. Avoid unnecessary delays between the kabalas panim, bedeken, chuppah, yichud room, and first dance. Respecting people’s time enhances the simcha for everyone.
When the chosson and kallah enter the yichud room, time can seem to slow down, but for guests, especially on weeknights, the clock is very much ticking. Once the halachic requirements of yichud have been fulfilled, avoid lingering unnecessarily. Every extra minute spent on hair, makeup, photos, or general delay pushes off the first dance and meal and often results in fewer guests remaining to celebrate with the couple later in the evening. A thoughtful plan, efficiency, and timely execution help ensure that the simcha is shared fully with all who came to celebrate.
Priorities in Payment
In the sea of wedding expenses, where people often spend extravagantly on flowers, makeup, music, and food, don’t become frugal when it comes to compensating the people who help build the foundation for the couple’s future success.
Shadchanim, kallah and chosson teachers, and the mesader kiddushin invest significant time, carry deep responsibility, and care profoundly about the couple. They may not do it for the money, but they should never feel like an afterthought or the place where savings are sought.
Pay It Forward
While some weddings spare no expense, others struggle to afford even the basics. If you are making a simcha, consider contributing to help someone else make theirs. Many organizations facilitate sponsorship opportunities in honor of your own simcha.
Even without a formal donation, simple acts matter. Arrange for leftover food or flowers to be distributed so that others can benefit and celebrate with dignity as well.
And you can pay it forward by using your wedding as a platform for other shidduchim to be made. Consider hosting speed dating between the chuppah and first dance or inviting shadchanim to meet eligible young men and women. Perhaps guests can be encouraged to use their time at the celebration of this successful shidduch to think of other shidduchim they can suggest.
At the end of the day, a wedding is not meant to be a performance or production. It is the beginning of a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael and one of the holiest and happiest moments in a family’s life. The details matter, but the energy matters more. A simcha infused with consideration, gratitude, respect for others, and sensitivity to guests will ultimately be remembered far longer than the flowers, menu, or décor.
May we all merit to make simchas and may we celebrate them with true joy, good health, shalom, and abundant beracha.